Everything is happening all at once. My internship is going to end. That means I have to submit my reflections, tidy up my project file and think about how I am going to leave. I am preparing some farewell gifts and writing letters to my colleagues and the kids. In midst of all this, I have to prepare for my next stage of life. Applications, write up, just life decisions in a nutshell.
With all these on hand, my friend is back from overseas just for the Chinese New Year Period. That means I have to squeeze out time for her because I only have that little time with her before she flies back. I am really happy but at the same time, it seemed like a bad timing. She is only back this once after being gone for more than a year but I have so much to settle too. Not forgetting five birthdays of my family and close friends all squeezed together. All that with all the Chinese New Year visitations.
When so much is happening all at once, humans I am close with are also going through the transition to the next stage of our lives. It is a time where you just feel so much but mostly fear, because there is change, ambiguity, and so many possibilities yet you know some things are still impossible. While I am trying to be there for them as much as possible, I am also struggling with myself. I don't know if it's just me or what. As much as I want to reach for my dreams, I know there are a lot of earthly limitations as well. I also feel very insecure about my choices. Year after year, I wonder why on earth I made that decision. It sounds so silly.
Sometimes I find myself tearing up all of a sudden because of all the stress from this world along with what I give myself. I even have to resort to patting myself on the shoulder and saying "It's okay. Let's take this step by step. You can do it." because I have no human who will say this to me.
Let's just put this straight. I seriously teared up after submitting my application and documents for my next step in life. It wasn't because I was sad but it felt like a whole load of burden was released. It was hard on me, but I trusted.
For the first time in a long while, I rested.
I have come to resolve a lot of negative feelings I had before too. Realizing that in the end, hate only hurts you more than it should have, while the other party is laughing at you and goes on leading their life. As if nothing ever happened. You lose, and they stand all high in victory because they managed to actually do something to you. If you don't even get affected, they will soon see no fun in it. Don't get me wrong. You can be angry. I think everyone has the right to feel that way, and it is a normal reaction to feel upset at that point in time, but it is what you do after that matters.
Aside from that, I also had a lot of unexpected deep talks with some humans. Unexpected because some humans struggled to share about themselves but we've been walking and growing together. Another thing is some humans I've just met. Despite that, they shared a lot of their deepest thoughts or past experiences that they don't tell others. I felt shocked at first but later, it felt nice. I like hearing how people think and feel. I also want to share my thoughts on life which I rarely do. Perhaps it's because I struggle to after so much that happened throughout the years or it wasn't the right people. Maybe a little of both. But I did. And I am proud of myself. //Listen with your heart, rather than be quick to judge.//
Calendario: Every month in this world is a chapter. What will start to unravel, or will life remain stagnant?
Wonder what happened in the month of January? Do check out the very first chapter!
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