My tidal wave

Once upon a time
A tidal wave of emotions flooded me

I never knew it was possible to feel so much
So much that no one understands
Sometimes I wish I didn't feel anything at all

Perhaps in this world
It is better to be cold
Than to be hurt
And to be able to feel for someone

In a crowd

How do I find myself in a crowd
A place where we all seem the same
Maybe for this once
We feel alike

Aimlessly
We walk this life
Not knowing how
It should go about

Where's the guide
I think we're lost
One more time
Again and again

It happens all the time
That I think
Maybe
That's alright

Perhaps we just have to
Get used to
Life

Why am I like this?

Again and again
I ask myself

Why are you like that?
Why don't you like what everyone else likes?
Why do you have to make life difficult for yourself?
Why can't you just do what everyone else does?
Why can't you be like every other kid out there?
Why don't you just be what your parents tell you to be?
Why don't you just do what everyone else does for a living?
Why do you have to like something almost no one likes?
Why don't you simply live your life like how everyone else does it?

And most of all,
Why don't you like yourself

Calendario: February

Everything is happening all at once. My internship is going to end. That means I have to submit my reflections, tidy up my project file and think about how I am going to leave. I am preparing some farewell gifts and writing letters to my colleagues and the kids. In midst of all this, I have to prepare for my next stage of life. Applications, write up, just life decisions in a nutshell.

With all these on hand, my friend is back from overseas just for the Chinese New Year Period. That means I have to squeeze out time for her because I only have that little time with her before she flies back. I am really happy but at the same time, it seemed like a bad timing. She is only back this once after being gone for more than a year but I have so much to settle too. Not forgetting five birthdays of my family and close friends all squeezed together. All that with all the Chinese New Year visitations.

When so much is happening all at once, humans I am close with are also going through the transition to the next stage of our lives. It is a time where you just feel so much but mostly fear, because there is change, ambiguity, and so many possibilities yet you know some things are still impossible. While I am trying to be there for them as much as possible, I am also struggling with myself. I don't know if it's just me or what. As much as I want to reach for my dreams, I know there are a lot of earthly limitations as well. I also feel very insecure about my choices. Year after year, I wonder why on earth I made that decision. It sounds so silly.

Sometimes I find myself tearing up all of a sudden because of all the stress from this world along with what I give myself. I even have to resort to patting myself on the shoulder and saying "It's okay. Let's take this step by step. You can do it." because I have no human who will say this to me.

Let's just put this straight. I seriously teared up after submitting my application and documents for my next step in life. It wasn't because I was sad but it felt like a whole load of burden was released. It was hard on me, but I trusted.

For the first time in a long while, I rested.

I have come to resolve a lot of negative feelings I had before too. Realizing that in the end, hate only hurts you more than it should have, while the other party is laughing at you and goes on leading their life. As if nothing ever happened. You lose, and they stand all high in victory because they managed to actually do something to you. If you don't even get affected, they will soon see no fun in it. Don't get me wrong. You can be angry. I think everyone has the right to feel that way, and it is a normal reaction to feel upset at that point in time, but it is what you do after that matters.

Aside from that, I also had a lot of unexpected deep talks with some humans. Unexpected because some humans struggled to share about themselves but we've been walking and growing together. Another thing is some humans I've just met. Despite that, they shared a lot of their deepest thoughts or past experiences that they don't tell others. I felt shocked at first but later, it felt nice. I like hearing how people think and feel. I also want to share my thoughts on life which I rarely do. Perhaps it's because I struggle to after so much that happened throughout the years or it wasn't the right people. Maybe a little of both. But I did. And I am proud of myself. //Listen with your heart, rather than be quick to judge.//

Calendario: Every month in this world is a chapter. What will start to unravel, or will life remain stagnant?

Wonder what happened in the month of January? Do check out the very first chapter!

Spiral of confusion

I wish I knew what was on your mind

One moment, it's all hot
The next, it's cold again
Caring for you suddenly becomes a crime
Something that I thought was kind to do
But punished for
Maybe I shouldn't at all

I'm just so confused, so lost

I don't know what to do anymore
I really don't

Collision

Perhaps I collide too much with this world
I go against the flow
And it seems like I don't belong
But I'm not courageous enough
To say I can make a change
For the better

Everyone's word
Carry a different meaning along with it
And I thought I've learnt
But then I realize again and again
Even after understanding all that I know
It's almost like
I still don't know anything
About this world

It's just so confusing
And the levels keeps getting higher
The layers of masks
Piling and piling
Till I don't know what I'm supposed to see
Or if what I know
Is still true
Or perhaps
Everything has already changed

It's as if
My version is outdated
And I've returned to a level of a kid
Where doors are shut
And sounds are muted
Where I have to fight
All the levels again

This poem was featured //Poet- Justateddyberry//

On repeat

Hot tears flowing down the stream
Only opening my eyes to see
I'm just lying on my bed
And no one's hurting me anymore
It was all just a dream
But it was real
All the humans in there
Everything happening was just a compilation of hurt
On repeat
Set in a different setting

The only difference was this time
I actually cried

Breathe again

Let me
I just want to breathe again
Set me free
I want to be me
I just want to believe

Un-mask-ed

When all the masks drop
Everything suddenly makes sense
My whole life is a lie

Springing against me

It's funny how I know
When someone is not okay
No words no flow

It just springs against me
From all the nothingness I see
Just looking into your eyes
I feel the emptiness inside

I have to do something I say
But how am I supposed to say
"I just know"

Sometimes I am afraid
Sometimes I can't bring myself to try
But I am dying inside
I just want to be there for you
And say "what's wrong"

Even if you are a stranger
Or we haven't said a word in a year
It doesn't matter at all
All these circumstances
I know exist
To stop me from trying

It haunts me
Reminding
Replaying in my head
It hurts me
When I stand there
Not doing anything

But how am I supposed to
When I am just a nobody

Echos: Who am I

Who am I
When half of me
Is made out of someone else
And the other is just because
Of this world's existence

Who will hear my voice
In the crowd so loud
They always say ask
When you don't understand
This world

But all I hear
Are echos
To my voice
Of my voice
From my voice

I just want someone
To whisper I hear you
In the darkness I'll find light
Give me this illusion
That there's hope in this world

// This poem was featured!
See "Pick of the Day"- Echos: Who am I //

What "Adult" sounds like

Now that I'm 18, the thought of being an adult scares me. It depends but some think that at 18 you're still a child, sometimes a teenager, and perhaps, already an adult. Adult, 1 word with just 5 letters, but it scares me. I don't know what is it like to be one. It's more than owning a house and perhaps a car, a job and a family. Maybe it's about taking up responsibilities, knowing what you're actually doing and so much more.

The humans of this world won't say, ''it's okay, you're still a child, you don't know everything about how the world works. We won't blame you for anything, just learn from this. Okay?'' Because now, everything is not okay, and it's changing to ''So now what? Am I a joke to you? Look at how old you are, I can't believe you don't know what you're doing, wake your idea man.'' And there again, you're supposed to have a hold of your life, have a happy family, a social life, a stable but high income job, luxuries, support for your parents, and the list goes on.

Basically, be successful and perfect in everything. Dreams? are out of the question. That's only for young kids or teenagers who still live in their own world, thinking that everyone can achieve their dream. All this time, it is just an illusion. In this world we live in, how many humans are actually doing what they love as their jobs? How many have the whole checklist up there ticked? How many.. are actually happy?

Dreams no longer exist explicitly, at most, hidden deep inside our hearts, knowing all we can do is imagine that it's happening, and that we're having the time of our lives. No longer do we need to be realistic, or be responsible for anything or anyone other than ourselves. This free world we live where we can do anything we always wanted to.

You see, the world expects so much of you, and sometimes, your best isn't good enough for anything or anyone. And sometimes, I wish I didn't know all this.

And maybe, I'll still live in that beautiful bubble of mine, thinking that everyone is happy and the world is beautiful.

Circling circle

Life is like a circle
There are infinite points until
It's almost like there's no point in life

There's no start or end
And maybe we've gone everywhere
But nowhere at the same time

Thinking we know where we're heading
When all this time
We're just
Circling in circles