Why am I like this?

Again and again
I ask myself

Why are you like that?
Why don't you like what everyone else likes?
Why do you have to make life difficult for yourself?
Why can't you just do what everyone else does?
Why can't you be like every other kid out there?
Why don't you just be what your parents tell you to be?
Why don't you just do what everyone else does for a living?
Why do you have to like something almost no one likes?
Why don't you simply live your life like how everyone else does it?

And most of all,
Why don't you like yourself

Translucent

In between the spaces
The seemingly clear lines
What left unnoticed
Or perhaps in a denial
The word ''translucent'' exist
With grey areas floating

This marks the end of 2016. I still don't know if I am broken, or breaking through. What about you? How has your year been? I don't know what am I supposed to expect of 2017, but I want to be here, to listen to your stories :))

This poem was featured //Poet- Justateddyberry//

My brightest star

In the darkest light
You're my brightest star
Shining just right
So warm beside

Now that you're gone
What am I supposed to do
How do I even find you
When all my days are day
Even at night
It's hurting-ly bright
How do I find
My brightest star
In light

Collision

Perhaps I collide too much with this world
I go against the flow
And it seems like I don't belong
But I'm not courageous enough
To say I can make a change
For the better

Everyone's word
Carry a different meaning along with it
And I thought I've learnt
But then I realize again and again
Even after understanding all that I know
It's almost like
I still don't know anything
About this world

It's just so confusing
And the levels keeps getting higher
The layers of masks
Piling and piling
Till I don't know what I'm supposed to see
Or if what I know
Is still true
Or perhaps
Everything has already changed

It's as if
My version is outdated
And I've returned to a level of a kid
Where doors are shut
And sounds are muted
Where I have to fight
All the levels again

This poem was featured //Poet- Justateddyberry//

On days like this

On days like this
I wish I had someone to miss
But all I see
Are raindrops falling

Looking beside me
Only empty
My heart is sinking
Too heavily

I'm just a little lonely
I just want someone to miss

The X Series- Chapter 5: Now I see me

     I realized. Why I felt that relief. The weight I've been carrying on my heart was taken away. I've been blind to my own blindness, deaf to the loudest cry. I was given so many chances, yet I didn't choose what my heart knew was right. I brushed those humans aside, and I failed to see what they see, feel what they feel, let alone walk in their shoes. I thought it was what I wanted, but my heart wasn't happy. It was trying to tell me, but I still chose to ignore everything. Until I needed someone to save me. Only then did I realize, what it felt like to be helpless and hopeless, but still holding on that hope of "what if this human was different", only to see everyone just passing by.

      That longing for someone just trying to understand and empathize with you. Even though everything might not always be okay, at least you know that there's someone out there. Who is willing to listen to you, and see beyond the situation you're in. Someone, just being there for you, makes everything better, and more hopeful. Because at least, there's still someone, who cares about you enough, to stay through everything. No matter how ugly or hopeless things seem to be, to bring the light with them, into your life.

-End-

Missed the previous chapters? Read them here

1: Within the Darkness 
2: Beyond Thirst
3: Bland
4: Save me

On repeat

Hot tears flowing down the stream
Only opening my eyes to see
I'm just lying on my bed
And no one's hurting me anymore
It was all just a dream
But it was real
All the humans in there
Everything happening was just a compilation of hurt
On repeat
Set in a different setting

The only difference was this time
I actually cried

Stand up

I'll let you push me aside
When you have the strength again

But for now
Just stay
Don't go too far
From my sight

I'm still looking at you
With my heart

I'm waiting for you
To stand up
On your two feet
Scold me all you want
Or do whatever you want
I won't even leave

All I ask
Is that you
Don't just lie there
Motionlessly

Tangling insides

I could barely breathe
My head was breaking
And I was suffocating

Everything was almost black
But there was a dim light
In my vision

There were noises all around
Clashing with each other

My body was trying to survive
But my mind was tempted to just give up

// This poem was featured!
See "Poem of the Day"- Tangling Insides
and Poet- Justateddyberry//

Remains

It's hard to tell from a picture
If it's raining
Just like when someone is breaking inside

It only can be noticed
When all is left are raindrops
On a window

Or the remains of someone's tears

Above the waters

Take my hand and you won't drown
Just try breathing once more
It won't be too long
You'll be okay just wait

While you stand on my shoulders
Above the waters
Let me drown
Instead

It's okay
For me
Not to be okay
As long as you'll breathe
Again

Let alone my tears

Those humans make it sound so easy

As if it takes no effort

It's almost like it comes naturally to me

When most of the times I die a little inside

Screaming a whisper 'I'm drowning'

But it's as if I never did

No one knows of my effort

Let alone my tears

Perhaps it's because I always look fine on the outside

Or it's just that no one looked deep enough

The X Series- Chapter 4: Save me

      The ceiling almost felt like it was barely above my face. The air was so thin. Then, the space started closing on me. It was contracting. Yes. It was. I'm sure. I could feel my blood circulating around my body, or perhaps it was rushing through my veins. I knew every time my heart beats. I thought I heard my stomach gurgling. My lungs expanding, and contracting again. Every time I swallow, I could feel the fluids going down my throat and travelling to the next. I tried to relax, but I felt my scalp scrapped against my skull. The more I thought about everything, the more I felt like my brain was shaping and reshaping. I don't know what was going on. I was so confused, with everything happening all at once, my brain felt like it was fogging up. All I could hear was me, the echos within my head, and my inner voice.

      Then I started hearing the door knocking. A lot of knocks. Children crying, and voices screaming "save me!", but it was a deafening whisper. I was so scared, but why wasn't anyone seeing this? Were those humans blind or something? Someone, just take another look at me. Please, save me.

      In all that was happening, I felt tears welling up my eyes. I tried so hard not to tear up, but one of the tears still escaped. I thought I was going to laugh at myself, for being such a wimp, but relief started to take over me. A kind of feeling I never seem to experience before, and yet, it felt so familiar at the same time.

Wonder what happened before X reached this stage?
Take a look at the previous chapters!
1: Within the Darkness 
2: Beyond Thirst
3: Bland

If that someone is YOU

When someone is drowning
Do just let the rain fall?
When someone is breaking
Do just let the music play?
When someone is falling
Do you just let them go?

When you are dying
Do you like if everyone simply walks away?

If that someone is you
Will you only then
Do things differently
And perhaps
With love?

Breathe again

Let me
I just want to breathe again
Set me free
I want to be me
I just want to believe

Translucent tears

You don't see me cry
For I'm already drowning in tears you don't see
Thinking that I'm the strongest
When deep inside
I break a little every time

Choking on memories

Even though
Many days have passed
I still remember
How you smile

Our hearts
Shared the same warmth
Now it's missing one

It hurts me
When our eyes meet again
After missing years

I try to breathe
But I'm choking on memories
That I try to erase
Oh it's on
Permanent ink

The X Series- Chapter 3: Bland

      Slowly, the taste started becoming bland. I tried drinking more, but I could no longer connect any of it to the familiar tastes I know of.  Soon, I ran up of what I thought was water. It felt like I was in a desert, lost and alone. I was hungry, but there wasn't any food to be seen. I crawled around in the darkness, trying to search for anything that seemed edible. Then, I thought I felt something a little soft, slightly porous, and somewhat a rounded square. Yes, it must be some bread. I grabbed it and brought it closer to my mouth. I let it touch my lips, to see if it feels familiar. Then, it followed with a deep breath, to get a sense of the smell.

      It was then I realized I couldn't smell anything. Even the smell of the sewage was gone. There was no staleness, nothing. Just pure emptiness in every breath that I took. I was so confused, I seemed to be losing every little part of me. Then, I felt acid in my stomach, as if it was starting to consume me. I didn't care more, and simply shoved the whatever I thought was bread into my mouth. Gosh, it was gross. I felt like I was chewing up a bunch of grass, and nothing was digesting. It was rough and tough, nothing like what I thought it was before. At that point of time, I could no longer comprehend what was happening anymore.

Curious as to what happened before this? Check out the previous chapters!
1: Within the Darkness 
2: Beyond Thirst

Walls

I know I forced myself
Up the wall

But I have to build
To protect you
From me
And for me
From hurting

For I am crushed
Trampled on
And dying

Un-mask-ed

When all the masks drop
Everything suddenly makes sense
My whole life is a lie