How am I still alive?

Behind this smile you see everyday, is pain you won't ever understand. Sometimes I just want it to end, once and for all. For me to feel all the pain at once, and no more. It might sound like nothing much to many, but if you're constantly haunted by it, then it becomes something that actually matters. Leaving all other types of pain aside, here's my health all in one (most are lasting issues).

Let's start from the beginning. At a young age, I had this weird pain in my stomach, that hurts every night. It's not something that comes once in a while or when I ate something bad. It just comes every night. Haha, talk about "consistency is key". Another thing, it's not the "I'm kinda hurting", it's more like "Am I dying?", where I couldn't even come up from bed, and I would have to curl there for a good few hours until it clocked enough hours.This lasted for quite a few years.

Something weird about me. I have a consistent high heart rate/ beats per minute, also known as tachycardia. It was randomly discovered when I went to the hospital for some other reason. I thought was all. Okay, here's something funny (or not). When I go to the doctors or just usual checkups, they would freak out, and one even wanted to call the ambulance. I had to explain to them that it's normal, while attempting to calm them down. Then when I was older, in my teens, I started to feel breathless and suffocated especially during the night, I could feel my heart beating a little too slowly. It's almost like I'm high up in the sky, and the oxygen is running low, while having something pressing against my chest. If I was lying on a low level, close to the ground, it gets worse. I don't even know how any of these sounds logical but well, it's just like that.

Is that all? No. Here comes the part where I talk about this marathon I take part in every day, sinus. No, it's not even fun. And by marathon, I mean my nose literally keeps running, and if I'm lucky, it will stop in the late afternoon. If not, the tap just runs for the whole day, and imagine if anyone was charge for this water bill. What comes along with the package? Not only do you seem to have the "flu" every day, it's hard to concentrate in just about anything, and more often than not, you'll get so tired from all that running and blowing. Oh, and it's almost like I'm a tissue supplier, almost my whole bag is made out of packets of tissue. Everyone automatically turns to me when they need some, and that's when my supplies run low, and I have to look for more, usually toilet paper. Once, I think I had sinus infection, and half of my face was hurting in a un-explainable way, it had a partial numbness along with pain and more pain. I was so confused. To put it in a cute way, a sniffling reindeer, and you don't even have to wait for Christmas for that to happen.

Moving on. Cough and sore throat. Most humans get it once in a while, because of some virus or heati-ness. Me? I can just eat one piece of chip and before I know it? Bam. I get it, One meal of spicy food? Bam. Yup, not again. Just like that. And wow, it takes forever to recover. The, it gives me a few takes off, which is when I thought all is well, but the next moment, I get it again. Hahahahaha. Yup. Okay I guess this is not the worse so let me just move on.

This is one annoying little clingy thing. Headaches. It also happens that mine comes with nausea most of the time. Not once in awhile, but I can say almost everyday. I didn't realize it was so often until later. Before all this started, I had multiple head injuries, along with one that took quite a bad turn. The doctors said they couldn't really do anything about it even though they suspect a crack somewhere, because I had quite bad symptoms after the "hit". But in the end? I was discharged. That was the start. If there was school, the headaches would be regular, and it usually starts within the first few hours of me being in school, and last for the whole day. I can't explain how annoying and painful that is. Usually, kids would get it once in a while, and what happens? Get an MC, lie down and rest in class, go to the sick bay or home. But if I can't apply that to me, obviously, since it happens this often. I can't always say I'm sick, even though I feel sick most of the time. What can I do? Nothing I guess. I just have to tolerate it, and try to survive.

Okay, I assure you that this one is nothing like the above, it's more funny than anything here. I'm prone to injuries, and I must say I get hurt a little too much. Not only do I injure the usual feet and arm, I also can injure my back. During this period of time, I kept injuring myself. Yes, I was sick and tired of that happening, and I think even the doctor was tired of seeing me again and again. The funniest one was my back, it literally slanted/ sprained, however you want to call it, during PE. One fine day we had to do this bench jump over exercise, where we had to run, jump and go over this
long bench to be successful. At first, I didn't really do that well, and I would land in the middle of the bench. So I was advised to run faster and jump with more power, I guessed I took it way too far. I crashed. I didn't exactly know what happened because it happened so quickly, but my classmates said I few really high (1/2 storeys) and went crashing down. This marks the first time I officially cried in front of people. I tried really hard to hold it in okay, but it was too painful. They were shocked to see me in tears and said it must be really painful, because I always give off this outer look of being very strong (which I'm not but wells, I guess I just prefer to keep it like that).

Next up, eczema. How it feels like? An open wound, where salt is poured over it. I have it on my arms, legs, and neck, more specially on areas where you have to bend. It gets worse with the scorching sun or when the rain hits it. Plus, I have to avoid lots of delicious food, which was annoying. I mean food is love, and when you can't even keep this love anymore.. yeah. It's saddening. Well, after a long time of trying to seek medical help from the western and chinese doctors, it's finally under control. The "wounds" on my arms and neck are gone, and the one on my legs are better. I'm glad that it was finally taking a turn for the better until something happened.

One question I ask "How am I still alive?" But guess what, this is not the end.

To be continued..

Read Part 2 here: "I survived, again"