Just at the end of 2015, for a month or
two, I felt really really tired and had fainting spells too. Usually this
doesn't happen and I don't take naps or anything during the day (partially
because I would wake up feeling even more tired and with a worse headache), but
during that time, I slept and slept. Every time I "wake up", it was
hard for my eyes to even open. I felt so so tired during the day, and like I
had almost no energy for class. One thing about me, I don't ever sleep in class
or in public transports, but that time, I noticed I couldn't hold for very
long. I didn't fall asleep in class but I slept whenever I can, when I was
standing on the train, while walking, during breaks. It was really hard,
especially with all the assignments and projects going on. I always expected a
lot from myself. I am not very smart, or anything close to that, but I always
give my best, and complete whatever is given, however small or insignificant it
may seem. But that time, I felt like I was falling short. I still forced myself
to do my work, because if not, I would feel like I was irresponsible. However,
I couldn't give my best, because I was just too tired most of the time. It's
almost like I could feel my brain giving up on me, and my body failing on me.
In the end, I still managed to complete everything, but I took much longer so I
lost my usual "free time".
Usually, I managed my time quite okay, so
I had quite a bit of free time even though I was schooling. I work based on
inspiration (which is good and bad), that means if I had it, I would produce
work good and fast, but if no, I would still complete it, just that it wouldn't
be very good in terms of creativity and quality, and I would need a longer
time. Apparently, that term I was more "in the mode" and still have
time to spare. I worked part time, before and/or after school, one to kill
time, two for experience, and three for money. But I had to stop work for a
while because of all that. I wasn't too happy because I felt like I was losing
out, and wasting my time.
Jeng jeng, I was diagnosed with thyroiditis, not sure if not the above was connected to this but I guess partially. Fatigue, was one of the symptoms so I guess it might be. The other symptoms I had were mainly swollen and tender (pain on touch) neck, mine was pain even when I don't do anything at all, and more painful when I swallowed, yawn, sneezed etc. I lost some weight, and have a little of hand tremors etc. This I must say, is the worse because it interferes with my daily functioning quite a bit.
Plus, a dome shape lump appeared after that (this one hurts more than anything ever), just when I thought I was getting better. I was frustrated. It lasted for quite a bit of time, and the doctors said they couldn't really do anything about it (after the blood tests and scans), the most is giving me painkillers which didn't solve the problem, even though it helped a little with the pain. Apparently, I had abscess and needed to undergo surgery to drain it. First, I had a scope through my nose to see the affected area. Even though I had a numbing sort of spray, the feeling was so clear, of something running through you, it was uncomfortable and weird. I was trying not to react much.
Honestly, I was scared. I mean, I'm going a knife under my throat. And it's a crucial part of the body, life or death. During the surgery, I wasn't K.O-ed but I had local anesthesia injected to reduce the pain, but even the multiple injections hurt like I don't know what. Partially it was because my lump was relatively big, and very sore. Then, after all the procedures, medicine water was sprayed, and the gauze was inserted into my neck. The whole process, it felt like someone was slicing me, along with a punch, and then adding salt.. on repeat. I never felt so much physical pain before. I could feel my tears welling up, but I didn't cry it out. I just used my fingernails to pierce my other hand, in hope to distract myself and reduce the pain. The nurses/assistants were shocked when they saw my hand after since I didn't react much during the surgery, I only gave some facial expressions, in case I was hurting too much at a part where isn't supposed to or something. Big movements will prolly get me killed haha, with all the dangerous equipment around. I only realized later, the side of my hand was bruised. It was a really long process, but I knew I had to pull through, some way or another. I survived.
The aftermath was a sore feeling, with some sharp pain. I had dressing but there was still some blood coming out. So I looked I just came out from a zombie apocalypse haha. Swallowing and eating was painful, so I added pressure and supported the back of my neck. The next few days was daily redressing. 1/4 of the torturous process of removing and inserting the gauze into my wound, where I could literally feel something going through my neck, and some cleanup (much salt water involved). The painkiller's side effect wasn't too good, drowsiness and nausea (which I can't stand) plus it didn't help with the pain so I stopped after one dose. I just finished the surgery a few days ago so I don't know what's next. However, I'm glad that the afterredressingpain is reducing as the days go by. For the first time, I was so proud to even be able to bathe myself successfully ( I injured my leg quite badly during this time too), so I looked like some awkward turtle that just had a car accident, trying to do some acrobatics showering. It was the one time people ever noticed me, my existence, but not for a good reason.
On a side note, I had quite a bit of "close to death" encounters that are not health related. I've also heard too much of "Oh, we can't do anything to help" or "The cause is unknown" from the doctors, it gives me so much hope. All these? It's like constantly dying, and going "how am I still alive?" but death doesn't want to take me away just yet. And I don't know how to feel. But yes, I survived, again.
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