Bleeding heart

Your words are knives
Cutting me so deeply
Leaving me bleeding till I dry
Accusing me of something I did not do
Insulting me is all you do

Sometimes I wonder
What am I to you

Just the girl next door

I don't want to be normal anymore
Not just anyone next door
I had enough of conforming
To what I don't believe
Take me
Let me fly
To my dreams

Calendario: February

Everything is happening all at once. My internship is going to end. That means I have to submit my reflections, tidy up my project file and think about how I am going to leave. I am preparing some farewell gifts and writing letters to my colleagues and the kids. In midst of all this, I have to prepare for my next stage of life. Applications, write up, just life decisions in a nutshell.

With all these on hand, my friend is back from overseas just for the Chinese New Year Period. That means I have to squeeze out time for her because I only have that little time with her before she flies back. I am really happy but at the same time, it seemed like a bad timing. She is only back this once after being gone for more than a year but I have so much to settle too. Not forgetting five birthdays of my family and close friends all squeezed together. All that with all the Chinese New Year visitations.

When so much is happening all at once, humans I am close with are also going through the transition to the next stage of our lives. It is a time where you just feel so much but mostly fear, because there is change, ambiguity, and so many possibilities yet you know some things are still impossible. While I am trying to be there for them as much as possible, I am also struggling with myself. I don't know if it's just me or what. As much as I want to reach for my dreams, I know there are a lot of earthly limitations as well. I also feel very insecure about my choices. Year after year, I wonder why on earth I made that decision. It sounds so silly.

Sometimes I find myself tearing up all of a sudden because of all the stress from this world along with what I give myself. I even have to resort to patting myself on the shoulder and saying "It's okay. Let's take this step by step. You can do it." because I have no human who will say this to me.

Let's just put this straight. I seriously teared up after submitting my application and documents for my next step in life. It wasn't because I was sad but it felt like a whole load of burden was released. It was hard on me, but I trusted.

For the first time in a long while, I rested.

I have come to resolve a lot of negative feelings I had before too. Realizing that in the end, hate only hurts you more than it should have, while the other party is laughing at you and goes on leading their life. As if nothing ever happened. You lose, and they stand all high in victory because they managed to actually do something to you. If you don't even get affected, they will soon see no fun in it. Don't get me wrong. You can be angry. I think everyone has the right to feel that way, and it is a normal reaction to feel upset at that point in time, but it is what you do after that matters.

Aside from that, I also had a lot of unexpected deep talks with some humans. Unexpected because some humans struggled to share about themselves but we've been walking and growing together. Another thing is some humans I've just met. Despite that, they shared a lot of their deepest thoughts or past experiences that they don't tell others. I felt shocked at first but later, it felt nice. I like hearing how people think and feel. I also want to share my thoughts on life which I rarely do. Perhaps it's because I struggle to after so much that happened throughout the years or it wasn't the right people. Maybe a little of both. But I did. And I am proud of myself. //Listen with your heart, rather than be quick to judge.//

Calendario: Every month in this world is a chapter. What will start to unravel, or will life remain stagnant?

Wonder what happened in the month of January? Do check out the very first chapter!

Spiral of confusion

I wish I knew what was on your mind

One moment, it's all hot
The next, it's cold again
Caring for you suddenly becomes a crime
Something that I thought was kind to do
But punished for
Maybe I shouldn't at all

I'm just so confused, so lost

I don't know what to do anymore
I really don't

Swing in motion

What's the point

Of a swing for two

Without you

I have been waiting every day
At the exact time we used to meet
No matter rain or shine

In hope that I can see the swing

In motion again

Yet it only moves when the wind blows

And all that is left

Are the shoes you last wore

Before you left me

On the swing alone

- Inspired by #poetsprompt

The shadow I will miss

I wish I didn't have to know
How your back looks like
When you're leaving

The shadow
That I'll most certainly miss

Valentine's day

A day where we are reminded of love
That each one of us are loved so dearly
And most of all to love

It's not the only day for love
Be it today or another ordinary day
Appreciate the people around you
Family, friends, or partner

Happy Valentine's day to every single one of YOU! 💓

//Life is hard enough in itself, so let's love more//

A new year wish

People who are related to you
Ask so many questions
While you try so hard to answer

But it is forgotten
The moment the words come out
From your mouth

I just wish
We would ask these instead
''Has it been hard for you?'' or
''Is there anything I can do to make it better?''

Calendario: January

I guess I don't like the feeling that nothing much is happening. You know, every day is just okay. There is no huge catastrophe, but neither is there much happiness. The days no longer bring with it challenges, and chances for me to grow. I really don't like being stagnant. I rather sail through the storms than sit on a boat with no direction or destination in mind. This month is a little different. I have decided to make a change, and by saying that, I actually did something. "Who even keeps their New Year Resolutions?" Perhaps everyone breaks all the rule within the first week, I always did too. Procrastinating, pushing back my schedules, and saying that there is still time. But no, there is no more time. And every second that is passing with me still no doing anything is a waste. I am not saying that I won't let myself take breaks, but if I do, it's for the longer run. The run that has a goal in mind. Maybe the reason why I always fall short is because I didn't know what I wanted and my resolutions are just the typical ones. The reasons I made them? Because it's almost like we have to, and if we do otherwise, we are doing this life thing all wrong.

This year I set resolutions, or I would like to call them goals, that I actually want to achieve. Not for anyone else, but what I want deep inside. I am actually excited to accomplish them. In case you were wondering, no, it's not the "I want to get good results" or "I must get a high-paying job (which I will probably hate in the years to come). It might be very different from what most people want, but I am not "most people" so it doesn't really matter what other people think. Because people can think what they want. Just because everyone is doing it, doesn't make it any more right. As much as you have to be realistic, your dream can be too. Dreams are not just thinking but making it become your reality. I don't need everyone to approve of my dream, because 10 years down the road, you will see what I was believing in. That in itself is enough for me.

Just when I thought I was going to end January with a bang, I fell sick just before Chinese New Year. I am just laughing at myself and my life. Present tense because I still haven't recovered haha. Someone still haven't turned off the tap of my nose, and my throat is still a desert. However, I am still grateful because I am no longer feeling like I am in an oven 24/7. Neither am I shivering as if I am going to leave this world anytime soon. //Just when I want to live, I am pulled close to death again.//


Calendario: Every month in this world is a chapter. What will start to unravel, or will life remain stagnant?

Find out what happened in my February!

Ignite or burn

I turned behind
Only to see red sparks
Forming to chase me
Will it burn me to nothingness
Or ignite my passion

Should I blend in with the sky
Or be a fiery red

- Inspired by #poetsprompt

Generations later

The generation before
Hold on to the culture and tradition
To still meet every chinese new year

But as the newer generation surface
And the old pass
The meetings no longer hold any meaning
We didn't grow up in the same kampung
Or formed any relationships

Our best try in explaining will be that
Our parents were related
But we don't know each other

The meaning of new year

It's almost like a reset button
Saying goodbye to the old cringy you
That you will laugh at
When you look back
Years after

Old records are no longer valid
Mistakes are put behind
We are a new human being

But really
Does it

In the end
Who will define
The meaning of your new year

Chinese New Year

We bring oranges from house to house
Receiving red packets
Asking questions

Yet every year
We still don't know each other
Any better

Blood related
Disconnected hearts

It's just courtesy
What we are supposed to do
But year after year
The significance drops
Where we are merely
Related strangers

Here's I feel about: Reunion Dinner